Challenging my sensitive soul

I have learnt a great deal about myself since I started the Postnatal wellbeing group 8 weeks ago. Well actually I knew all of it already but my perspective has altered.

I have always been timid, easily embarrassed and easily upset. I take every little thing to heart, I am a sensitive soul. But I keep it all bottled up, so no one ever realises they did or said anything to upset me. However on the inside I have blown this feeling up into something massive, yet on the outside I'm pretending all is fine, perhaps so as to save their feelings.

Within the group we have been introduced formally to our unhelpful thinking habits. Unhelpful thinking habits, it seems,  appear in many fashions but there are 4 in particular that ring true, that I can relate to, namely "mind-reading", "critical self", "catastrophising" and "shoulds and musts".

"Shoulds and musts"
I have always been an organised person, I love a good list but since having my son almost 16 months ago I have found that I cannot achieve all my list tasks in my unrealistic time frames and that is so frustrating. What was a days list, takes a week or more and makes me feel like I am failing. The fact that I feel this way feeds into my thoughts of being a failing mother. 'Why can't I achieve it all?' 'The house is always a mess' or 'yet another quick meal' but everyone else manages'. But in reality, I have always had high expectations of myself, too high, like I am setting myself up to fail before I have even started and this just adds unnecessary pressure onto my own shoulders. I am my own worst enemy. I need to be more realistic and not get stressed out that my list hasn't been tackled that day. In reality there isn't a time limit so why am I setting one? I need to acknowledge when I have achieved a task and reward myself, not beat myself up for all the tasks I haven't completed.

Critical self
I have always put myself down, blaming myself for things that go wrong, and not acknowledging those events or achievements I should be proud of. Everything is always "my fault" because I am "useless" and others must see this.
Today we discussed our "poisoned parrots". That is a parrot who negatively commentates our lives. The point was, how long would we put up with this bird before we put a towel over its cage or got rid of it and yet it is how I am thinking about myself all the time. I am my own internal bully and I do a great job of causing my own upset. One of my problems is confidence. I need to believe I am, for example, good at my job or a good mother, otherwise this voice will continue. But I need to learn to ignore the poisoned parrot, I would be much happier and have more self esteem if I did.

Catastrophising
I am a pro at this. An example I have given previously is my fear of parking my car. It starts with, what if there are no parking spaces?  To what if there is a space but it's tight? And leads to a magnified, imagined, scenario where I am half in a space, failing to park, with the whole town watching me wreck my car and cry hysterically at the wheel and end up parking my crumpled car miles away and walking in the torrential storm.
But this is just in my head, made up what ifs that are brilliant in feeding into my anxiety. To others I look rude because I turn down an offer to meet in town but I have created this overwhelming fear from zero factual evidence.
It is obviously noticeable to others at times though. My car was in for a service and I needed to get the bus to work via my son's nursery. A simple enough task but the night before I was already worrying that there wouldnt be space for a pram on the bus and I would not be allowed on. My other half could tell I was worrying about it but kept quiet. At the end of the day he arrived home and asked how the bus commute went. It had gone well, which is what I fed back, and he replied with, 'So there was space on the bus for you both? You weren't kicked off? People didn't chant at you 'Get off, get off'? The bus driver didn't pull away with you stuck in the doors? You didn't look down and notice you were wearing your slippers and had forgetten to put your clothes on and realise whilst on the bus that you were bottom half naked?' He is a sarcastic arse but I laughed because it was a true, albeit exaggerated version, of my thought process too often.

Mind-reading
This is arguably my most unhelpful thinking habit. Assuming that I know what others are thinking with minimal, if any, evidence for it. And my assumption is often a negative.
So prime recent examples include the reason why I didn't tell anybody other than my mum and partner about my diagnosis of PND. I am very close to my cousin, she had a baby not long before I did and her baby had a lot of health problems initially and my cousin too suffers from PND. I didn't want to tell my cousin about my diagnosis because I had already decided that she would think 'you have no reason for having PND, I have had it much harder than you have'. I had decided that she would feel,  in comparison to her, I had much less to deal with and therefore her PND was valid and mine wasn't. Reflecting on this, these are my own thoughts and in reality when she found out she was supportive. The same is true of one of my closest friends, she may not be able to have children, so I didn't want to tell her about my diagnosis because I assumed her thought would be 'how can you be depressed, you have what I really want but can't have? '. And the truth is, situation reversed in any example I could give, I would never think these thoughts about someone else so why do I believe this is how they wold think about me? Both have been fab and not at all as I had envisaged.
I have noted that I am making these negative speculations unhealthily frequently, these thoughts are like the poisoned parrot talking to me but mimicking my friends, relatives or strangers voice. Perhaps the answer is to use imagery and shoot that bloody parrot or perhaps more sensibly, to make no assumptions when there is diddly-squat evidence.

When I started the Postnatal wellbeing group 8 weeks ago I really wasn't optimistic I would get much from it. I have been this shy, anxious, confidence lacking, useless person (in my opinion, I now reflect this is not all fact) since I was much younger, so how is a 10 weeks course going to change my whole temperament? The fact is, it is not but it has already altered my awareness of my thoughts and feeling and associated behaviour and in turn that has allowed me to challenge my thoughts based on my feelings and modify my behaviour positively. I  am noticing the valuable boost in mood, I have met some lovely ladies and have a weekly fix of NHS custard creams. I am enjoying every minute.

Advice for partners and friends of those with PND

I know that my other half felt so bad that he hadn't realised that I had Postnatal Depression, as did several of my best friends. But I don't blame them for not noticing, I did a great job of hiding my feelings. I feared people thinking I was "not coping" with motherhood and I didn't want people to see me as the failure that I felt. So 'How are you?' questions were always responded to with 'I'm fine thanks'. Personally I had days when I wanted to just cry in response to that question, but I didn't want to show "weakness", plus no one wants to deal with that, no one expects a negative response to that question.
So my first bit of advice is really be observant, ask a couple more questions, show that you really do care about how they are feeling and they might be more open about it.

What you need to know

• PND is a form of depression, it is not a "lesser form"of depression, it can be as severe as any other form of depression.
• Postnatal Depression is not uncommon,  roughly 1 in 10 woman have PND.
• It can occur at any point within 1 year of the birth
• Men can get PND too, 1 in 25 of fathers in fact, so you also need to look after yourselves and speak to someone if you feel you need to.
• The hardest step is recognising it and acknowledging the thoughts and feelings and asking for help.
• You may be the one to recognise that low mood/tearfulness, although common in the first few weeks due to hormone changes and exhaustion, should not continue. Speak to her and find out how she is feeling, encourage her to speak to a professional, such as her health visitor or GP if it is not improving.
• Remember that with the right help, this can be resolved.

Factors that can predispose PND

• A previous history of depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder.
• A family history of depression 
• A traumatic birth
• Chronic sleep deprivation 
• Illness/health issues in the baby
• Breastfeeding difficulties
• Relationship difficulties
• Lack of support
• A dramatic drop in hormone levels post birth
• A particularly emotional pregnancy related experience- miscarriage, unexpected pregnancy,  IVF, multiples...
• Personality- low self esteem, perfectionist, OCD...
• 
  

Symptoms to look out for (not all these symptoms will be present, it differs from person to person which will be experienced)

• The "baby blues" lasting longer than 2 weeks
• A persistent feeling of sadness or tearfulness 
• Lack of energy, exhaustion
• Reduced enjoyment of things you enjoyed before
• Slow, hesitant speech.
• Trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep but being tired.
• Withdrawing, isolating themselves from social situations
• Difficulties concentrating
• Trouble bonding with the baby
• Thoughts about harming themselves or their baby
• Nightmares 
• Panic attacks
• Feelings of failure, guilt, self blame, 
• Feeling unable to look after the baby or voicing concerns to that affect.
• Irritability
• Lethargy/ lack of motivation
• Changes in appetite  (reduced or increased)
• Frequently crying for no reason 
• Speaking negatively
• Self neglect
• Excessive worry
• Lack of their usual humour.
• Obsessing over their health or their babies
• Avoiding seeing friends and family
• Physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, sickness or fainting, headaches, blurred vision
• Low sex drive

How you can help

• Have a responsive conversation about how you are both feeling. Listen
• Encourage her to get professional help
• Remind her that she is a brilliant mum and doing a fab job.
• Tell them you love them
• Bring positivity into the house
• Be aware that she may take small comments or jokes to heart,be aware that venting may be taken personally too.
• Try to let any irritable comments she makes, pass without affecting your mood.
• Give your other half a lie in and take the baby for a walk so she cannot hear them and is able to rest.
• Tidy up after yourself and do some household chores without having to be asked.
• Comfort when she needs a good cry. 
• Keep her company, so she doesn't feel alone but also allow her, her own space at times.
• Take over to allow her time to have a bath/shower and give her that break, don't interrupt that time with non urgent questions.
• If possible then help with the evening/ night feeds to allow her to gave a chunk of unbroken sleep.
• If that's not an option, be the one to put the baby down to bed as you're likely to have much more success than mum who smells of yummy milk.
• Discuss with her the best practical ways in which you can help
• Appreciate that there will be good and bad days
• Don't laugh at the little things that you don't realise will upset her. My other half laughed when I accidentally touched a hot pan in a moment of exhausted stupidness and it led to a melt down on my part. 
• Take her out, if she is ready, don't force her out of her comfort zone.
• But also look after yourself, allow yourself some time too. Living with someone with PND is emotionally exhausting. Ask family members to help out.

Things are sent to try us

This week my 14 month old son had his 5th trip to A&E and his first ever hospital admission. Alike last time, it was due to a virally induced wheeze. My little boy is a constant worry to me. I am aware that all mums will forever worry about their children, but part of my post natal depression and anxiety involved catastrophising and in particular fearing losing my son. The fact that he has been so poorly since last summer, has really not helped that aspect of my PND. I have asthma so the chances are that my little man will develop asthma too, especially with his respiratory history do far, but this cannot be diagnosed at his age or without an even more extensive history than his.

It really upsets me to see him working so hard to breathe, needing nebulisers and inhalers very frequently, having the nurses taking his observations regularly with concerned looks on their faces. We had another positive experience with our GP who referred us straight to paediatric A&E and with the nursing and medical staff at the hospital were fantastic too. But that doesn't fully reduce the anxiety I felt over my poorly monkey.

We spent 1 night and 2 days on the paediatric ward after a couple of hours in the Paediatric Decisions Unit. That ward was hot, noisy and busy. We shared a bay with 4 other children and parents.  Only one parent is allowed to stay but my other half remained with us until late. My son struggled to sleep whilst we were there and did eventually but not in his cot, he spent some of the night asleep in my arms in my bed. He was very clingy and I very protective. After a few nights co-sleeping with him I had to reluctantly get him back in his cot. It was a balance between him being well enough to be without me monitoring him by his side and not wanting to ruin his sleeping routine.

Additionally I caught his virus so I was looking after him whilst feeling poorly myself. All of this would have massively taken its toll on my mood previously but I'm proud of how well I have coped. Being unwell, exhausted and concerned but staying calm (most of the time) and just managing everything the best I could. I am winning.

The Vicious Flower

I started a post natal wellbeing group 2 weeks ago. The group is run by a health visitor, a CBT Therapist and a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner (PWP). There are 10 ladies at the group with babies of various ages (3 months to 19 months).
Our 2nd session was to assist us to recognise what feelings, symptoms and thoughts we have that are due to our PND and or/ postnatal anxiety and also what predisposed us to getting PND.
To aid us with this we had to draw it out in the former of a flower.
Here is my personal flower

So to explain my flower:
The soil shows those things that were there before pregnancy,  early life experiences,  personality etc.
The leaves are those things that happened during pregnancy, birth and post-birth.
The stem symbolises the path that those things took to create the flower.
At the centre of the flower is the problem
And finally the petals are my actions, thoughts and feelings.

Obviously this flower is different for everyone, but it is used to allow me to understand, acknowledge and recognise my journey.
I guess the next step in this model is to work on gradually picking the petals off the flower. I can't change my early experiences, nor my traumatic birth and our initial journey but I can change my present and future. And I seriously intend on doing so.

Me time

Following a self referral, after advice from my health visitor and a couple of months on the waiting list I have just begun a Postnatal Wellbeing group. It is organised by Healthy Minds and has three lovely heath professionals running it; a Health Visitor, a CBT Therapist and a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner (PWP). My first session was a week last Tuesday, they run for 10 weeks and additionally have a session for partners to go to, without us women, to learn more about PND and how best to support us. This, I feel, will hopefully be incredibly beneficial for the whole family. I’ve only been to 2 sessions so far so have not yet seen any associated changed but I will blog my experience as the group progresses.

My work have been wonderfully supportive and have allowed me to book every Tuesday morning off as annual leave to attend the group.  Last week I decided that being as I didn’t know what to expect or how I would be feeling after the group, I would book the entire day off. This was a brilliant decision. Not because I was emotionally unsettled after the session, in fact I was surprisingly clear headed and emotionally stable, but because I literally never get any me time and I this was a prime opportunity. A very rare treat! My son was in nursery so I could get the most out of the first group session without worrying about him and then I had the entire afternoon to myself, to do anything I wanted, and it was amazing!

My car was in the garage being fixed so I was limited as to what I could do but that didn’t matter, I had time to myself. I received a generous amount of credit to spend in New look from various people for my 30th birthday last month and I never treat myself. So I decided that my afternoon would involve some “free” retail therapy. Along with New Look I relaxed in a coffee shop ordering some lunch and a hot chocolate, met with my sister to buy crafty bits (an old hobby of mine) so that we can hand-make her wedding invitations and I also treated myself to some work shoes because my old ones were literally falling apart. In total I spent about 5 hours in town and actually didn’t spend much money. I was able to casually try on all my New Look items without having to entertain a toddler throughout, I could enjoy a hot drink without my munchkin reaching for it and I was able to have some head space.

My PND meant that although I stayed active and social in some aspects, I was isolating myself more and I wouldn’t allow anyone else to look after my son. I was my own worst enemy "working" 24/7 with minimal sleep but I felt it was my job, guilty at the thought of leaving him with anyone else, worried if I accepted help that it was admitting to myself and others that I wasn't coping. I can literally count on one hand the number of days that I have had to myself in the last 14 and a half months. But this was the first time that I have done so without feeling guilty and it truly felt liberating. A much needed day off. Essential me time.

We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on our experience

Happy New Year! How is it 2017?! Where did 2016 go?! For me it past by in a blur of anxiety, exhaustion, tears, laughter, and unconditional love. It was probably one of the toughest but also the best year of my life.

The year ended well after another challenging month. December saw a fantastic and exciting Christmas.  My son enjoyed ripping open presents and playing with his new toys on Christmas day, he took pleasure in removing the tree decorations and lights repeatedly, eating his first Christmas dinner with family.
But the month was also difficult at times. My bubba had 1 paramedic call out and 3 trips to A&E for breathing problems that required steroids,  nebulisers, inhalers and antibiotics for 3 different chest problems. A poorly boy results in a significant increase in my anxiety. I slept on his bedroom floor for over a week because I was so worried about him and that resulted in further sleep deprivation. He was so unwell. Unfortunately the whole situation was made worse by this all occurring over my birthday period. I had a large party planned; hall, dj, fancy dress, buffet, the whole package, to celebrate turning 30. It cost a fair few pounds and I had family and friends travelling from all over the country and even further afield. It had taken a great deal of planning and my other half had spent weeks making his outfit.
The chest problems and hospital trips started a couple of days prior to the party. On the day of the party, with several friends getting ready and helping with the catering in my little house, my son started to have trouble breathing. My friend and I got him down to our local A&E where they were worried enough about him to sit us right by the nurses station for observation rather than the waiting room as it was busy and they had no beds available. As they set up the first nebuliser, once in a room, I was told by one of the medical team 'I don't think you are going to be going to your party'. My other half came and took over from me to ensure I could go to my own party but I was worrying all evening about them and I was sad that I didn't have my 2 favourite people with me celebrating.
There were positives though, my son was discharged at 3 am that night and is now significantly better but also all the other important people in my life had made massive efforts to celebrate with me, and some of those people had stepped in and helped with the cooking and setting up the hall. True friends who I am incredibly thankful to have in my life.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks to NYE. I got to see the new year in with my other half and gorgeous son plus our amazing next door neighbours.  It was a thoroughly enjoyable night. Prior to our fantastic evening though I woke up on New Year's Eve feeling grateful, I reflected on 2016 and yes it had some low moments, many due to Postnatal Depression and all the others contributing to Postnatal Depression but I truly feel so much more positive and I am coping with every thing that life is throwing at me. I think all those low moments have shaped me, made me a stronger person and a better mother. I am grateful for my amazingly supportive family and friends, for my competent GP who got me the help I needed, the health visitors who got my little boy sleeping more, for my understanding work colleagues who were happy with my decision to extend my maternity leave and who are allowing me to take time off for the next 8 weeks to attend a Postnatal Well-Being group. I am also grateful to all my readers who have publicly and privately sent me messages of support and kindness in response to my blog. It took a significant amount of courage for me to publish my 1st post but I am immensely pleased and proud of my myself for doing so, it was one of the greatest steps I have taken in my recovery.

I am heading into 2017 feeling incredibly positive, healthy, thankful and full of love. I have a great feeling about the coming year.