Things are sent to try us

This week my 14 month old son had his 5th trip to A&E and his first ever hospital admission. Alike last time, it was due to a virally induced wheeze. My little boy is a constant worry to me. I am aware that all mums will forever worry about their children, but part of my post natal depression and anxiety involved catastrophising and in particular fearing losing my son. The fact that he has been so poorly since last summer, has really not helped that aspect of my PND. I have asthma so the chances are that my little man will develop asthma too, especially with his respiratory history do far, but this cannot be diagnosed at his age or without an even more extensive history than his.

It really upsets me to see him working so hard to breathe, needing nebulisers and inhalers very frequently, having the nurses taking his observations regularly with concerned looks on their faces. We had another positive experience with our GP who referred us straight to paediatric A&E and with the nursing and medical staff at the hospital were fantastic too. But that doesn't fully reduce the anxiety I felt over my poorly monkey.

We spent 1 night and 2 days on the paediatric ward after a couple of hours in the Paediatric Decisions Unit. That ward was hot, noisy and busy. We shared a bay with 4 other children and parents.  Only one parent is allowed to stay but my other half remained with us until late. My son struggled to sleep whilst we were there and did eventually but not in his cot, he spent some of the night asleep in my arms in my bed. He was very clingy and I very protective. After a few nights co-sleeping with him I had to reluctantly get him back in his cot. It was a balance between him being well enough to be without me monitoring him by his side and not wanting to ruin his sleeping routine.

Additionally I caught his virus so I was looking after him whilst feeling poorly myself. All of this would have massively taken its toll on my mood previously but I'm proud of how well I have coped. Being unwell, exhausted and concerned but staying calm (most of the time) and just managing everything the best I could. I am winning.