I had been taking antidepressants for over 5 weeks and I was definitely noticing the positive effect they were having. I reflected that it had been a few weeks since I last spontaneously burst into tears over something trivial, or since I had felt exasperated at my son for acting like the 11 month old that he is and I generally felt stronger in myself. So when I woke that Sunday morning with a gloomy, familiar feeling of hopelessness, I got worried.
From the moment I woke something felt wrong, I could tell instantly that today was going to be my worst day for a few weeks. I felt overwhelming fatigue before I had even started my day. It was the weekend so my partner was at home with me, this only added to my confusion, 'I have help today and yet I am already feeling down.' Unintentionally every thought, feeling and remark was obstructive and negative. It proceeded to be a mundane day but when my partner said he was going to pop into town, I began to panic. I became tearful. My partner could tell I wasn't feeling as upbeat as I had been, he asked me if I wanted to join him in town. 'No thanks' I replied. I wanted him to say he would take our son with him and give me a break but he then reminded me that my mood is worsened if I stay shut up in the house all day, plus he offered to do the driving so I agreed to join him.
Once in town I expected to feel better, I didn't. I slowly dawdled around the town centre pushing my son in his pram, whilst my partner did what he needed to. I didn't go onto any shops, I just didn't feel like it, I couldn't be bothered. Eventually I just stood outside Clarks shoe shop and waited for him to ring me. This was all too worryingly familiar. Once we were reunited and on our way home I just burst into tears. 'I thought I was doing better... maybe I do need to up my antidepressant dose... what if my body has acclimatised to the medication?' My partner replied, you're just having a bad day, we all have them.
Once I was home I genuinely felt better for having had some fresh air but deep inside me, my anxiety that this step backwards would continue was worsening.
Then that evening whilst cooking our dinner I picked up the baking tray, fresh out the oven, with no oven gloves on. It didn't really hurt as much as I expected but I swore out loud in instant embarrassment and turned towards my partner. He could tell I was uninjured and he began to laugh. Under normal circumstances I would have laughed with him, instead I just broke down. 'Why did I just do that? How stupid am I?! That's it, I've completely lost my mind, just when I thought my judgement and intellect were returning to normal!'
I went to bed early, my mind too preoccupied to switch off and fall asleep. A bad nights sleep followed.
When the following day arrived however, I felt great again, so much more positive! Just a blip I cheerfully told myself. Yet when my health visitor came to visit later that day for our first talking therapy session, she asked me how I was getting on and, without mentioning all the good days I've had recently, I went straight to dwelling on the previous day. My health visitor did a good job of bringing me back to my more optimistic self and reinforced the positive changes that I have felt. Contrary to my GP, she didn't feel I needed to up my antidepressant dose at this point in time, partly because I am strongly against the idea but also partly because of positive improvements in my general mood and my proactive approach to self help. Finally my health visitor reassured me completely, 'I expect some lower days, it is perfectly normal'.
There are lots of life changes coming up in the next month or so and my emotional state could go either one of two ways during that time, but I'm more prepared to face the most difficult days now and will tell myself with confidence that these are going to happen, and to remain strong. I remind myself that I'm doing well!
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