One week remaining

One week left off work. One week until my baby turns one.
This week is going to create a big mix of emotions for me. I feel I need to pour out my thoughts on this post to help me make sense of my concerns because at the current time I am feeling overwhelmed and bewildered.

I fear the thought of returning to work.  I genuinely enjoyed my 'KIT days'; socialising with the team, using my brain, having a little bit of time being me, but I don't feel ready, will I ever feel ready? My brain is still mush, I continue to feel incapable of juggling everything and my most significant concern, I have spent every hour of every day with my son for the last year and suddenly I won't see my favourite little man 3 days of the week.

I am dreaming frequently at the moment, when I am managing sleep, and my most recent dream was all about going back to work. However, instead of being back at my Physio job, it was back to Waitrose (where I worked over a decade ago). The people were the same yet everything had changed and I had no idea what I was doing.

I have been thinking that I have 2 days this week, my last work free week, without anything planned (a rare couple of days just the 2 of us) and I was determined that they would be used exactly as I want them to be. These 2 days are precious mummy and son days. The plan was to spend them doing some of our favourite activities together. First off, Monday morning was swimming. We've not been for ages!
But part of me was afraid that something or someone would ruin our days together, demand time out of our precious few hours. I have not been myself for too much of our irreplaceable year together, but I will look back at this year with many fond and invaluable memories of the fun we have had with each other. It is not like these are the last 2 days together ever, but I have really been building up their importance in my head. I wished for them to be 2 of the best days, I wanted them to be perfect.

Then Monday morning arrives and after a bad night, my son has a heavy cold. My fear a reality, my luck as ever. Our swimming session has to be postponed. It appears at least one of our two days together will be mummy nursing her poorly, clingy bubba back to health. It would be a lie to say that I am not hugely disappointed that today will not be the special, memorable day I wanted. However we were literally just doing some supported walking together, at my sons routine request, and whilst we were walking he looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile. I realised that we don't have to be doing something remarkably different to normal, he is content doing something distinctly ordinary, he is just happy being with me. Consequently I am staying positive, instead I can spend the day having plenty of snuggly, albeit snotty, cuddles. Plus better to get the cold over with before his birthday.

On that note, the momentous 1st birthday milestone, that is causing me further perfectionist anxiety. He will only ever have his 1st birthday once,  he is unlikely to remember it, but I want the photos and videos to truly reflect how his party and his birthday were unforgettably special!
Where has this year gone? It has flown by in a blur of highs and lows, my gorgeous, cheerful son being the only constant. The speed at which the year has gone scares me. My son has become such an amazing little dude and he deserves an extra special day. For his birthday I have instructed myself that I too will enjoy his birthday celebrations, so for 5 minutes every hour I will take a step back and fully appreciate the event, observe him enjoying his moment.
For Bubbas 1st birthday I have have decided to put together a box of letters etc. for my son to open on his 18th birthday. I have been writing a letter, wondering what kind of man my son will be in 17 years and thinking if those 17 years pass by as quickly as this year has, he will be reading the letter in the blink of an eye. A very scary thought. Again I have chosen to be strict on myself, 17 years away is exactly that, 17 years into the future. I need to stop worrying how quickly the future is coming, that is completely out of my control, I need to appreciate the here and now, savour every second of my almost one year old however the present offers itself. It seems the more fun we have, the faster the time passes by. If that is so then surely quicker equals more favorable quality time and I would not want it any other way.

Before re-reading and altering this post multiple times it was all over the place, it was very reflective of where I think my head is at. But my summery of all these thoughts is that this last week off is going to be emotional and clearly my perfectionist nature is significantly adding to my anxiety but despite my chaotic, jumbled concerns, I am able to take the time to reflect to control and organise my thoughts and feelings. I'm determined to make the most of every second and not let any PND negativity interfere with my valuable mummy/son time.