Last Wednesday night at 9.30pm I was sat in bed by myself, smiling and crying, remembering the events of exactly a year ago to the minute, the birth of my gorgeous son. How do I have a one year old?! Where has that time gone?
I have spent the last month preparing for his birthday, arranging his party, wrapping presents, baking a suitably smashable cake and organising a trip for his actual birthday. I was actually quite excited about his birthday and my partner voiced that he was too. However the feeling was bittersweet. I no longer had a baby, he is a toddler now and the day before his birthday was my very first day back at work. My son's first birthday was exciting but also filled me with dread and a tinge of sadness.
Despite a cold, my son had a fantastic party, with lots of important people in his life. I managed to enjoy the party after the initial stress of setting up, cooking etc. He was a very fortunate little boy, so many amazing presents from generous friends and family.
His actual birthday was a complete success too. We opened all his amazing gifts whilst all relaxing in our pj's and dressing gowns, then we went to a local interactive farm we hadn't visited before, where my son can stroke the animals which he really enjoyed, had a lovely lunch (we ordered a child's meal for the first time) and made the most of the soft play area. My son had taken his first steps 2 days earlier so we utilised the soft landing space. Then once home we did a cake smash and filled up on pizza. It was a perfect family day together.
My partner went out that evening, as organised, once my son was fast asleep. This gave me alone time to reflect on the amazing year that he has supported me to have with my wonderful little boy and to think back on that traumatic birth. It would have been nice to have jointly reflected but it was also nice to be honest in my own head about what I went through and the last year. And although it has not been an easy year, there has definitely been more good than bad, or at least that's how I will remember it and I can honestly say I would do it all again for my favourite little person. Unconditional love.
Showing posts with label end of maternity leave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label end of maternity leave. Show all posts
Thursday, 17 November 2016
Sunday, 13 November 2016
The dreaded return to work
Returning to work after maternity leave is a tough time for most parents. It has just been you and your baby for many months and then you have to start being even more organised and you have to leave your child with strangers for hours at a time.
Numerous people told me that I will probably start to feel better once I return to work, that going back to work aided their recovery from PND and that they felt some of their identity reappear from being back in their work environment. I certainly felt this was the case when I completed my 'keeping in touch days' But, although I am aware it is early days, I am currently feeling worse; more volatile, tense and anxious, since my first day back.
My son attended nursery 4 times before the first "proper" day. 2 very short sessions and 2, what were supposed to be, full days.
I really thought he would enjoy nursery but on his first full day I had to collect him early due to hysteria from refusal to nap ALL day. He went from 5.45am until finally giving in to sleep at 4.30pm. Seeing his totally exhausted face was just heart breaking and meant for a bad evening and awful night. Just when we had cracked sleeping, he took a big step backwards. That was 2 weeks ago, since that day he has slept badly, not one full night and many broken nights. And he has been very hard work to get down for a nap. This has led to worsening sleep deprivation creeping in on my part.
Then the following Tuesday I drop him off early, on my first day back at work, and he clings to me, really clings. I say goodbye whilst staff prise him off me. For me this was excruciating, I wanted nothing more than to take him back, give him a hug and take him home to spend the day playing.
To my relief he did well at nursery that first full day 8-5. He eventually napped, albeit after much drama and tears. I on the other hand had, had a very long and boring day at work and could not wait to collect my little boy.
We returned on Friday for day 2 of work. We saw a repeat of the traumatic clinging and crying on my departure but he quickly settled apparently. My partner and I the day before, had had the horrendous experience of our sons 12 month vaccinations (he was a trooper and cried not one tear despite 4 injections). Anyway this had led to a fever over night. His temperature was back at normal by the morning so I handed that over to the nursery and went off to work. Just 2 hours later I receive a telephone call, informing me that his temperature was up at 38.5 and I needed to drive over to give him some calpol. 'Sorry I have to give him calpol?!' We asked about this policy on our visit and we're informed that the staff could give calpol. So my first booked in patient since my return, had to be rearranged just so I could drive to the nursery to give him calpol. I had decided I would stay there to check his temperature was settling, only to be asked to leave him. So I headed back to work, more worried about my son than I was before. Half an hour later I get another call from the nursery, his temperature hasn't lowered so I needed to collect him. Day 2 at work and just 2.5 hours in I am taking annual leave and reorganising 2 patients. Nothing about that day reassured me that my decision to return to work at this stage, was a good one. I am more anxious than before about being apart from my boy, I foresee future, stressful, childcare issues and I have again begun doubting my readiness to work.
After a weekend of reflection I continue to feel the same. In fact, I am worse, as my son sounds like he may have a chest infection and all I can think is, if he is put on antibiotics he probably won't be allowed to go to nursery again. Additionally my Great Nan is quite unwell and my morbid brain is anticipating a funeral coming up. How am I going to justify this further time off?!
I have had my worst day in a while. An evening of melt downs. I need to take a deep breath and try to destress. I have a well timed talking therapy session tomorrow, hopefully that will allow me some head space.
Numerous people told me that I will probably start to feel better once I return to work, that going back to work aided their recovery from PND and that they felt some of their identity reappear from being back in their work environment. I certainly felt this was the case when I completed my 'keeping in touch days' But, although I am aware it is early days, I am currently feeling worse; more volatile, tense and anxious, since my first day back.
My son attended nursery 4 times before the first "proper" day. 2 very short sessions and 2, what were supposed to be, full days.
I really thought he would enjoy nursery but on his first full day I had to collect him early due to hysteria from refusal to nap ALL day. He went from 5.45am until finally giving in to sleep at 4.30pm. Seeing his totally exhausted face was just heart breaking and meant for a bad evening and awful night. Just when we had cracked sleeping, he took a big step backwards. That was 2 weeks ago, since that day he has slept badly, not one full night and many broken nights. And he has been very hard work to get down for a nap. This has led to worsening sleep deprivation creeping in on my part.
Then the following Tuesday I drop him off early, on my first day back at work, and he clings to me, really clings. I say goodbye whilst staff prise him off me. For me this was excruciating, I wanted nothing more than to take him back, give him a hug and take him home to spend the day playing.
To my relief he did well at nursery that first full day 8-5. He eventually napped, albeit after much drama and tears. I on the other hand had, had a very long and boring day at work and could not wait to collect my little boy.
We returned on Friday for day 2 of work. We saw a repeat of the traumatic clinging and crying on my departure but he quickly settled apparently. My partner and I the day before, had had the horrendous experience of our sons 12 month vaccinations (he was a trooper and cried not one tear despite 4 injections). Anyway this had led to a fever over night. His temperature was back at normal by the morning so I handed that over to the nursery and went off to work. Just 2 hours later I receive a telephone call, informing me that his temperature was up at 38.5 and I needed to drive over to give him some calpol. 'Sorry I have to give him calpol?!' We asked about this policy on our visit and we're informed that the staff could give calpol. So my first booked in patient since my return, had to be rearranged just so I could drive to the nursery to give him calpol. I had decided I would stay there to check his temperature was settling, only to be asked to leave him. So I headed back to work, more worried about my son than I was before. Half an hour later I get another call from the nursery, his temperature hasn't lowered so I needed to collect him. Day 2 at work and just 2.5 hours in I am taking annual leave and reorganising 2 patients. Nothing about that day reassured me that my decision to return to work at this stage, was a good one. I am more anxious than before about being apart from my boy, I foresee future, stressful, childcare issues and I have again begun doubting my readiness to work.
After a weekend of reflection I continue to feel the same. In fact, I am worse, as my son sounds like he may have a chest infection and all I can think is, if he is put on antibiotics he probably won't be allowed to go to nursery again. Additionally my Great Nan is quite unwell and my morbid brain is anticipating a funeral coming up. How am I going to justify this further time off?!
I have had my worst day in a while. An evening of melt downs. I need to take a deep breath and try to destress. I have a well timed talking therapy session tomorrow, hopefully that will allow me some head space.
Monday, 31 October 2016
One week remaining
One week left off work. One week until my baby turns one.
This week is going to create a big mix of emotions for me. I feel I need to pour out my thoughts on this post to help me make sense of my concerns because at the current time I am feeling overwhelmed and bewildered.
I fear the thought of returning to work. I genuinely enjoyed my 'KIT days'; socialising with the team, using my brain, having a little bit of time being me, but I don't feel ready, will I ever feel ready? My brain is still mush, I continue to feel incapable of juggling everything and my most significant concern, I have spent every hour of every day with my son for the last year and suddenly I won't see my favourite little man 3 days of the week.
I am dreaming frequently at the moment, when I am managing sleep, and my most recent dream was all about going back to work. However, instead of being back at my Physio job, it was back to Waitrose (where I worked over a decade ago). The people were the same yet everything had changed and I had no idea what I was doing.
I have been thinking that I have 2 days this week, my last work free week, without anything planned (a rare couple of days just the 2 of us) and I was determined that they would be used exactly as I want them to be. These 2 days are precious mummy and son days. The plan was to spend them doing some of our favourite activities together. First off, Monday morning was swimming. We've not been for ages!
But part of me was afraid that something or someone would ruin our days together, demand time out of our precious few hours. I have not been myself for too much of our irreplaceable year together, but I will look back at this year with many fond and invaluable memories of the fun we have had with each other. It is not like these are the last 2 days together ever, but I have really been building up their importance in my head. I wished for them to be 2 of the best days, I wanted them to be perfect.
Then Monday morning arrives and after a bad night, my son has a heavy cold. My fear a reality, my luck as ever. Our swimming session has to be postponed. It appears at least one of our two days together will be mummy nursing her poorly, clingy bubba back to health. It would be a lie to say that I am not hugely disappointed that today will not be the special, memorable day I wanted. However we were literally just doing some supported walking together, at my sons routine request, and whilst we were walking he looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile. I realised that we don't have to be doing something remarkably different to normal, he is content doing something distinctly ordinary, he is just happy being with me. Consequently I am staying positive, instead I can spend the day having plenty of snuggly, albeit snotty, cuddles. Plus better to get the cold over with before his birthday.
On that note, the momentous 1st birthday milestone, that is causing me further perfectionist anxiety. He will only ever have his 1st birthday once, he is unlikely to remember it, but I want the photos and videos to truly reflect how his party and his birthday were unforgettably special!
Where has this year gone? It has flown by in a blur of highs and lows, my gorgeous, cheerful son being the only constant. The speed at which the year has gone scares me. My son has become such an amazing little dude and he deserves an extra special day. For his birthday I have instructed myself that I too will enjoy his birthday celebrations, so for 5 minutes every hour I will take a step back and fully appreciate the event, observe him enjoying his moment.
For Bubbas 1st birthday I have have decided to put together a box of letters etc. for my son to open on his 18th birthday. I have been writing a letter, wondering what kind of man my son will be in 17 years and thinking if those 17 years pass by as quickly as this year has, he will be reading the letter in the blink of an eye. A very scary thought. Again I have chosen to be strict on myself, 17 years away is exactly that, 17 years into the future. I need to stop worrying how quickly the future is coming, that is completely out of my control, I need to appreciate the here and now, savour every second of my almost one year old however the present offers itself. It seems the more fun we have, the faster the time passes by. If that is so then surely quicker equals more favorable quality time and I would not want it any other way.
Before re-reading and altering this post multiple times it was all over the place, it was very reflective of where I think my head is at. But my summery of all these thoughts is that this last week off is going to be emotional and clearly my perfectionist nature is significantly adding to my anxiety but despite my chaotic, jumbled concerns, I am able to take the time to reflect to control and organise my thoughts and feelings. I'm determined to make the most of every second and not let any PND negativity interfere with my valuable mummy/son time.
This week is going to create a big mix of emotions for me. I feel I need to pour out my thoughts on this post to help me make sense of my concerns because at the current time I am feeling overwhelmed and bewildered.
I fear the thought of returning to work. I genuinely enjoyed my 'KIT days'; socialising with the team, using my brain, having a little bit of time being me, but I don't feel ready, will I ever feel ready? My brain is still mush, I continue to feel incapable of juggling everything and my most significant concern, I have spent every hour of every day with my son for the last year and suddenly I won't see my favourite little man 3 days of the week.
I am dreaming frequently at the moment, when I am managing sleep, and my most recent dream was all about going back to work. However, instead of being back at my Physio job, it was back to Waitrose (where I worked over a decade ago). The people were the same yet everything had changed and I had no idea what I was doing.
I have been thinking that I have 2 days this week, my last work free week, without anything planned (a rare couple of days just the 2 of us) and I was determined that they would be used exactly as I want them to be. These 2 days are precious mummy and son days. The plan was to spend them doing some of our favourite activities together. First off, Monday morning was swimming. We've not been for ages!
But part of me was afraid that something or someone would ruin our days together, demand time out of our precious few hours. I have not been myself for too much of our irreplaceable year together, but I will look back at this year with many fond and invaluable memories of the fun we have had with each other. It is not like these are the last 2 days together ever, but I have really been building up their importance in my head. I wished for them to be 2 of the best days, I wanted them to be perfect.
Then Monday morning arrives and after a bad night, my son has a heavy cold. My fear a reality, my luck as ever. Our swimming session has to be postponed. It appears at least one of our two days together will be mummy nursing her poorly, clingy bubba back to health. It would be a lie to say that I am not hugely disappointed that today will not be the special, memorable day I wanted. However we were literally just doing some supported walking together, at my sons routine request, and whilst we were walking he looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile. I realised that we don't have to be doing something remarkably different to normal, he is content doing something distinctly ordinary, he is just happy being with me. Consequently I am staying positive, instead I can spend the day having plenty of snuggly, albeit snotty, cuddles. Plus better to get the cold over with before his birthday.
On that note, the momentous 1st birthday milestone, that is causing me further perfectionist anxiety. He will only ever have his 1st birthday once, he is unlikely to remember it, but I want the photos and videos to truly reflect how his party and his birthday were unforgettably special!
Where has this year gone? It has flown by in a blur of highs and lows, my gorgeous, cheerful son being the only constant. The speed at which the year has gone scares me. My son has become such an amazing little dude and he deserves an extra special day. For his birthday I have instructed myself that I too will enjoy his birthday celebrations, so for 5 minutes every hour I will take a step back and fully appreciate the event, observe him enjoying his moment.
For Bubbas 1st birthday I have have decided to put together a box of letters etc. for my son to open on his 18th birthday. I have been writing a letter, wondering what kind of man my son will be in 17 years and thinking if those 17 years pass by as quickly as this year has, he will be reading the letter in the blink of an eye. A very scary thought. Again I have chosen to be strict on myself, 17 years away is exactly that, 17 years into the future. I need to stop worrying how quickly the future is coming, that is completely out of my control, I need to appreciate the here and now, savour every second of my almost one year old however the present offers itself. It seems the more fun we have, the faster the time passes by. If that is so then surely quicker equals more favorable quality time and I would not want it any other way.
Before re-reading and altering this post multiple times it was all over the place, it was very reflective of where I think my head is at. But my summery of all these thoughts is that this last week off is going to be emotional and clearly my perfectionist nature is significantly adding to my anxiety but despite my chaotic, jumbled concerns, I am able to take the time to reflect to control and organise my thoughts and feelings. I'm determined to make the most of every second and not let any PND negativity interfere with my valuable mummy/son time.
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