Returning to work after maternity leave is a tough time for most parents. It has just been you and your baby for many months and then you have to start being even more organised and you have to leave your child with strangers for hours at a time.
Numerous people told me that I will probably start to feel better once I return to work, that going back to work aided their recovery from PND and that they felt some of their identity reappear from being back in their work environment. I certainly felt this was the case when I completed my 'keeping in touch days' But, although I am aware it is early days, I am currently feeling worse; more volatile, tense and anxious, since my first day back.
My son attended nursery 4 times before the first "proper" day. 2 very short sessions and 2, what were supposed to be, full days.
I really thought he would enjoy nursery but on his first full day I had to collect him early due to hysteria from refusal to nap ALL day. He went from 5.45am until finally giving in to sleep at 4.30pm. Seeing his totally exhausted face was just heart breaking and meant for a bad evening and awful night. Just when we had cracked sleeping, he took a big step backwards. That was 2 weeks ago, since that day he has slept badly, not one full night and many broken nights. And he has been very hard work to get down for a nap. This has led to worsening sleep deprivation creeping in on my part.
Then the following Tuesday I drop him off early, on my first day back at work, and he clings to me, really clings. I say goodbye whilst staff prise him off me. For me this was excruciating, I wanted nothing more than to take him back, give him a hug and take him home to spend the day playing.
To my relief he did well at nursery that first full day 8-5. He eventually napped, albeit after much drama and tears. I on the other hand had, had a very long and boring day at work and could not wait to collect my little boy.
We returned on Friday for day 2 of work. We saw a repeat of the traumatic clinging and crying on my departure but he quickly settled apparently. My partner and I the day before, had had the horrendous experience of our sons 12 month vaccinations (he was a trooper and cried not one tear despite 4 injections). Anyway this had led to a fever over night. His temperature was back at normal by the morning so I handed that over to the nursery and went off to work. Just 2 hours later I receive a telephone call, informing me that his temperature was up at 38.5 and I needed to drive over to give him some calpol. 'Sorry I have to give him calpol?!' We asked about this policy on our visit and we're informed that the staff could give calpol. So my first booked in patient since my return, had to be rearranged just so I could drive to the nursery to give him calpol. I had decided I would stay there to check his temperature was settling, only to be asked to leave him. So I headed back to work, more worried about my son than I was before. Half an hour later I get another call from the nursery, his temperature hasn't lowered so I needed to collect him. Day 2 at work and just 2.5 hours in I am taking annual leave and reorganising 2 patients. Nothing about that day reassured me that my decision to return to work at this stage, was a good one. I am more anxious than before about being apart from my boy, I foresee future, stressful, childcare issues and I have again begun doubting my readiness to work.
After a weekend of reflection I continue to feel the same. In fact, I am worse, as my son sounds like he may have a chest infection and all I can think is, if he is put on antibiotics he probably won't be allowed to go to nursery again. Additionally my Great Nan is quite unwell and my morbid brain is anticipating a funeral coming up. How am I going to justify this further time off?!
I have had my worst day in a while. An evening of melt downs. I need to take a deep breath and try to destress. I have a well timed talking therapy session tomorrow, hopefully that will allow me some head space.
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